Possibly moved by a lack of policy to advocate, the good people at ConservativeHome have decided to put a good spin on what “conservatism means to Conservatives“.

It’s an interesting read and one can almost imagine future Tory newcomers reeling it off like a catechism of self-congratulatory inanities before donning the blue rosette.

We’ve had to add some clarifications to their original list…

1. No insignificant person has ever been born (except within other countries, the north, Scotland and the working class).
2. Economic liberalism needs social conservatism (and a wilful inability to apply standards consistently to human behaviour and corporate behaviour)
3. The presumption should always be in favour of life (except in pre-emptive wars which we advocate below)
4. Government should be as small as possible but as large as necessary (so long as we consider good hospitals, schools, transport and effective administration not being necessary)
5. Multilateral organisations transfer power from people to politicians (and the people didn’t send us here to be co-operative with anyone else!)
6. Private choices have public consequences/ Policymakers have an interest in ‘private choices’, at least so long as they have consequences for taxpayers (!)
7. Conservatism is a creative coalition between security, economic and cultural conservatives (who have each betrayed our assumption about multilateralism vis-a-vis the conservative movement).
8. A welfare state that feeds-and-forgets isn’t compassionate (much better just to forget. It’s cheaper).
9. Politics is less important than ideas, culture and religion (anyone else’s idea, culture and religion is just politics).
10. Free enterprise and big business are not the same (free enterprise doesn’t pay our way does it?)
11. Taxation has dynamic effects (yet it can be marketed in a two word ignorant slogan: lower taxes!)
12. Pre-emption is the best response to many of today’s security threats (but not our social ones that can be even more deadly.)
13. There is such thing as society, it’s just not the state (and one has no bearing on the other – beyond an occasional platitude).
14. Man is a fallen creature (so says Genesis which also informs our position on crime and punishment).
15. Decision-making powers should be as close as possible to those affected by those decisions (or at least communicated back to them on WebCameron)
16. Private ownership is nearly always preferable to common ownership (preferable, that is, to those best placed to take advantage of the ownership).
17. A strong society is built upon the vigorous virtues of courage, ambition, creativity, self-sufficiency and enterprise (as long as the society doesn’t own anything).
18. Love of country is fundamental to all conservatism (as well as distaste for other countries and the people from them).
19. Social liberalism can be destructive of social justice (while social conservatism HAS and WILL be destructive of social justice).
20. Conservative reform is usually preferable to radical revolution (it should take years for gays to be equal – that’s just the order of things). Conservatism must deal with its own enemies within (which is why we’ll be a bunch of squabbling ankle biters on Europe, NHS, BBC and a host of touchstone issues for generations to come).

Recess Monkey is saddened to announce the death of Tory wannabe Mark Clarke’s blog. No longer will we be able to read of his exploits as he stalks the prostitutes of Wandsworth and he has deleted all his old blog posts so we can’t even meander through the reveries of his past musings.

Fortunately, his links section still remains live. It appears that Clarke (the man who put the FUK in CFUK) has links with St George’s Hospital, Wandsworth PCT and with Putney MP Justine Greening.

Recess Monkey can only imagine what he might have to do to earn a similar link on this eminent website.

Overheard at BBC online yesterday:

“Hey, boss - some breaking news about Gerrard being arrested after a fight with some bloke in a pub. Should we change the sports picture or at least the caption under him that says it was a thrilling weekend?”

“Nah”

“Grand so.”

The Belfast Telegraph is reporting that former Northern Ireland Secretary and current Secretary of State for Business, Lord Mandelson, will appear on Strictly Come Dancing tomorrow night.

The article carries two “we cannot confirm or deny” quotes from the BBC and Lord Mandelson’s office so we’ll have to see.

Should it go ahead, what are the odds of the Sound of Silence being the chosen song?:

“Hello darkness my old friend…”

From Labourhome

Boris Johnson’s manifesto commitment to fund rape crisis centres to the tune of £744,000 pounds per year turns out to be only £233,000.

Please email Boris at mayor@london.gov.uk to tell him what you think of this betrayal.

In an exclusive poll for Recess Monkey International, the political establishment has cast its die. George Osborne’s career is over!

With over 300 votes cast, Recess Monkey’s eminent and respected readership has declared that by the Spring of 2009, the Shadow Chancellor of thew Exchequer will be out of his post and earning a living as a Foxton’s Estate Agent. Only a mere 3% of readers felt he would be the next Nobel Prize Winner for Economics.

The full, scientifically compiled results are here.

By Spring 2009, George Osborne will be:
25% A Foxton’s Estate Agent
20% Shadow Chancellor of the Exchequer
18% Unemployable
16% Chancellor of the Exchequer
7% Chairman of the Conservative Party
5% A Country Baronet
4% Shadow Home Secretary
3% Chairman of Nuneaton Conservative Association
3% Nobel Prize Winner for Economics

Recess Monkey: Bringing you the Fair and Balanced News

After the loss of yet another Boris aide, there is much speculation as to who is next on the attrition list.

At a party this week I came across Boris’ transport adviser Kulveer Ranger. He seemed a charming and intelligent person, but outside the doughnut of adulation, he was clearly identified as the next aide to go.

While he is described in Tory circles as “the man who invented the oyster card” (which still doesn’t properly work by the way), it seems that reputation rather overplays what was no doubt a very worthy consultancy contract. There is a general feeling that he’s a bit out of his depth.

Of course this is absolute nonsense. There’s no way that Boris would require the resignation of someone simply because they were not quite up to scratch. There would have to be a real scandal before Johnson’s loyalty could be tested.

After David Davis’ now confirmed sideswipe at old Etonians, I was this evening informed that as I inadvertantly overheard Davis’ conversation, Cameron was hosting his Christmas drinks party.

So did David Davis snub the dear leader or was he simply not invited?

On an unrelated matter, southend MP David Amess has again refused to let me set up a webacam (or fish feed) in his office. Not even for a couple of days, not even during recess. That’s no fun at all!

So at 7.40pm last night, Recess Monkey was on the Jubilee Line, doing the sudoku and generally minding my own business. I certainly wasn’t deliberately listening to David Davis having a conversation next to me - though I did take notes.

Old bloke: “How was your week?”

DD: “Very busy what with the Damian Green thing and the Speaker”

OB: “So you want the Speaker to resign?”

DD: “Certainly not, Labour would elect another Labour speaker and they would be there for the whole of the next parliamentary term - and the trouble is, we don’t have that many good candidates”

OB: “There’s George Young”

DD: “Another old Etonian - we can’t have an old Etonian Prime Minister and an old Etonian Speaker”.

Setting aside the arrogant presumtion that the Tories have definitely won the next general election, Davis has let slip the worrying truth that they see the speakership as a political role, despite their accusations against Michael Martin that he isn’t impartial enough.

But more than that, if Civil Rights guru (except for gays and the death penalty) Davis really doesn’t want an old Etonian at the top, maybe he should do something about it. Hmmm - Maybe he is doing something about it.